5 Things I Learned From Being Recently Admitted to the Hospital

1.   Most Nurses are awesome, most Doctors however suck!

A few no shit quotes from Doctors from this last visit

“It could be worse, you have something rare that we don’t know how to treat, but it doesn't seem to be terminal. We see things much worse than this” Wow, umm, thanks…

“In India there isn't a specialist in the entire country for what you have.” Umm, we are still in Missouri, right?

“Has anyone ever talked to you about a pacemaker?”  OMFingG Go Away!

(Next doctor) Me “I have had a few doctors mention a pacemaker in the last 6 months but then have also been told it might not benefit me because of my other health issues” Cardiologist “No, you are too controversial for a pacemaker. Whatever would give you the idea that would be a course of action?” umm… like I JUST said other doctors said it to me… never mind, you’re right I am just making this shit up <KAPOW> that was me punching him in the stomach…

“What medications are you taking?” Umm look at the paper in front of you, I have answered this 3 times in the last 5 hours.

(Next Doctor) “You are handling this Bradycardia very well, I am surprised you can carry on conversations and are eating well” again all these compliments... I guess the slurred speech and one meal in 24 hours was impressive.

“Since we can’t do anything to increase your heart rate without the risk of sending you into tachycardia we may just discharge you.” Oh, sounds very medically sound.

(Moments after the last quote) “Well, your heart rate is at 60 right now, that’s great.” It was at 60 for less than the 30 seconds I dreamed of having enough energy to absolutely flip out. Then we were back at 43

2. Some Hospital policies make NO sense!

At the first hospital they drew blood then decide I need to go to the more hard core hospital. Ambulance is called and I am momentarily distracted by dreams of hot EMTs carrying me away… Then the overweight late 50 something guy shows up and we all learn that my previously drawn blood cannot go via ambulance with us, it has to be taken by cab… WHAT THE F@CK?? Seriously, the EMT guys can save my life but not hold some vials of blood... I explain that I myself have been responsible enough to transport my own blood since the day I was born.

After arriving at the hard core hospital my cabby had not yet made it, proving the efficiency of this policy. The nurse in with us was just as frustrated and amused. We then discovered it’s a $200 fine if you barf in a cab so what happens if my blood spills?


3. The whole writing things down is a conspiracy!

They are NOT writing down the medications you are taking and the symptoms you are having, it’s a huge conspiracy. Next time I am demanding to see what they are doing with that pen and paper when I am done talking because I am pretty sure they are drawing stick figure art.

I have done this enough to have been prepared. I have a print off of all my meds, dosages and if I have any side effects from them, all the things I have been diagnosed with, my doctor’s names and phone numbers and at the bottom I fill in why I am at the hospital now with all my current symptoms.

This paper was given to no less than eight times over the 24 hours until someone asked when I was alone and had no energy to answer. It was kind of a cold stare and my scarily suggesting they look at the notes everyone else wrote down.

4. I have a medical fantasy of waking up to Dr. House wheeling me out of my room and telling me he will either fix me or I will not make it through the night.

I am a gal of a great many day dreams. No, I don’t really want some experimental treatment that may kill me. I think I want someone so sure of how to ‘fix’ me they are willing to take a huge risk… or maybe I like callous, intelligent, flippantly sarcastic men willing to gamble with my life. I never said I was the most mentally stable gal…

5. Hospital blankets make great consolation prizes.

Yes, I am a rebel… I totally took that blanket. I figure the first hospital sent me into the ambulance and off to the second hospital with it so it was kind of like a gift anyway. I have to say hospital blankets are by far my favorite consolation prize. I may go throw it in the dryer right now for that warm blanket on the couch forget about life for a while feeling…